It's merely coincidental that I'm meditating upon the happenings over the past year at the beginning of a new calendar one. I'm not one to believe in resolutions made for the sake of tradition. Resolutions should be made when one has the true resolve to carry them out and no date on the calendar can determine readiness. Today marks the anniversary of the day I took the first concrete step to take my life back. I've not shared as much about this process as I once intended. Not because I lacked the dedication. Not because I didn't want to share my experiences with anyone who may benefit. It was simply because I didn't know how to put into words the changes, inner-conflicts, and sudden flashes of understanding that came to me. I struggle to describe them accurately still because I would only know that a change had occurred when a ghost of a memory of what once was became stirred up by a realization of the truth of now... and they didn't match. I am the same person I was and yet not. I am so much more than I was but yet no more than I was born. How's that for a brain twister?
Before I began the journey of Soul Retrieval, I was a very sad little girl trapped in the dream world of a woman driven by survival. I set goals that aspired to do little more than to be as prepared as possible for the next disaster; for the other shoe to drop. I was born this bright, confident, happy person and over the years became a victim-- first physically, then mentally-- perpetuating the cycle of dis-ease. As those fragments of light were siphoned off, the void was filled by doubt and grief. The darkness filling in the cracks of my spirit was like water seeping within the cracks of stone. With every extreme experience, the darkness expanded and contracted until my strength of will felt more like a pile of gravel. I was so tired. I was finally able to put ego aside and admit that I needed help and real change. I finally believed that it wasn't weakness to acknowledge that I'd done all I could and that surrendering to Spirit takes the ultimate strength. I had already done a lot of the preparation instinctively. I had narrowed down the outside factors to realize that the emptiness wasn't situational. I got my life in a good place and there was still something missing. So, one month before my 37th birthday I chose to put myself in God's hands and get my reset button pushed.
I wish I could say that it all becomes so clear when you become whole but nothing that worth having comes that easy. The truth sounds just as cliche as the lie, doesn't it? I thought I was as prepared as I could be and I'm not ashamed to say that I believe I was more prepared for the truth than many. Yet, I was surprised at the success that came instantly and perplexed at the quests that would come to form my path. I've found a purpose, although I sometimes still have to rely on faith to act on it. I'm learning how to just be. I'm grateful for my partner's patience when I indulge my heart and have to go back a tenth mile to the creek because those fresh water clam shells wanted me to take them home. Someday I won't even question the thought. I'm learning how to let go of expectations... and people. I'm learning how to tell the difference between the urges of Spirit and running away. I've gained guides and teachers, turned from some, found them in strange places, and even lost others. I've learned that being true to yourself can be the catalyst for someone else's change. I've also learned that when it comes to spiritual practices, not only does it not matter so much what you do, it's why you do it, and that you do it regularly. It's a promise to yourself and God.
As I write and contemplate past and future, this next year feels simply like a continuation of the not-so-simple adjusting to being unbroken. It is, of course, an ongoing process but I've been informed that I'm actually in another stage having to do with the path I've chosen. Which helps me to feel a sense of completion and makes me feel better when I'm still pretty unsure at times. I'm really good at listening to myself but trusting is a lesson still in process. I have a role to take in assisting the metamorphosis of several loved ones and I'm very excited. This year I'll also tackle the challenge of bringing my relationship with Spirit out of my head and heart and into the real world to share. Sharing with you all is a big part of that. I'm grateful for the opportunity.
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