The High Diver

     I dreamt this morning that I was watching a circus performer dressed in a glittery corset costume like a high diver. She was in a glass tank of water with a man who seemed to me to be like the ringmaster and he was being cruel, threatening to push her under. I felt anxious as I watched, feeling like the ringmaster was holding her hostage in the water. I felt powerless to help her. He holds her underwater and says, "Let's see how long you can stay under now." He held her under intending to drown her. She fought it at first and then I saw her go limp and stay under for what seemed like such a long time. He finally let go and disappeared. Suddenly she surfaced and exclaimed, "I never knew I could go so long but I did it! A record!"

     I understood, as I was watching, that the hardness and cruelty that was being forced upon her was intended to push her to the limit and beyond but she actually won by surrendering. She acknowledged the state of being immersed fully with nowhere to run and sat with it. Not fighting it, just being in it, one second at a time. After being so tested, she triumphed having found that her skill was beyond what she ever thought possible.

     In my dream language, the circus theme likely represents that performing facet of my life-- the one we all have as we show ourselves to the world. The feats we attempt and accomplish may entertain and amaze others; we push the boundaries of what we can do. We excel at what we've trained ourselves to do well and we risk it all attempting something new on a public scale.

     The water tank represents a pool of pure emotionalism. The glass tank allowed me the ability to look within; perspective.  I regularly dive in head first and immerse myself in the emotional realm in the work I do and there's always the danger of drowning in it; of losing myself. I used to be one who struggled in it; fought hard and exhausted myself. Now I'm practicing surrendering to the moment, allowing myself to feel fully, accepting the state of feeling for what it is knowing I'll always come up for air. Each test shows me that I can accomplish so much more than I ever knew.

     Surrender doesn't have to mean losing the battle. Surrender can also mean accepting and allowing the experience to lift you to greater heights of understanding... seeing where it can take you when you believe that there are no limits. If I can feel it, I will survive it. I can see just how much farther I can grow. My anxiety at watching the scene was because I doubted her too. I felt that she was subject to preconceived limits. She taught me otherwise.

     That ringmaster seemed like a villain at the time, didn't he? So often, tests and challenges do. Without the antagonists, however, I'd never know what I'm capable of.