Becoming Shaman

My mentor and colleague, Shane, has a lot of sayings but one of his favorite is, "The greatest challenge and the greatest reward you will ever have is to simply be yourself." My experiences over the last 6 months certainly reflect that. I didn't realize how many years I spent trying to be something, or someone, else until I reached that point. My tried and true coping mechanism had always been to decide who I wanted to emulate and act my way through. I wouldn't call this point Rock Bottom because I'd seen much tougher emotional times. No, this time I was in limbo. My modus operandi had failed me. I felt like a hermit crab that left a shell and couldn't find another one; raw, vulnerable, lost... I couldn't decide what skin to wear, felt pulled in different directions, and was exhausted. I didn't realize that the one persona I continuously ignored or rejected was my own; only by now I couldn't even recognize it from all the different versions. It was time to rebuild. I thought maybe it was my rereading of Marion Zimmer Bradley's "Priestess of Avalon" at the time that influenced my answer when Shane asked what I would do with my life with no 'if only's' but without hesitation I blurted out, "A Priestess." 

I thought it'd go easier once I gave up fighting and just decided to allow myself the freedom to just be. It's an amazing, intense, and profound experience to grant yourself permission to do that. All I had wanted to be, I was all along. I rode the spiritual high that came with it for quite a while. What I didn't think about at the time, is that there is more work to do. As it turns out, I've been terribly good at being Me quietly and keeping her buried deep inside. I've not been terribly good at being Me in practice. While it is true that thought is cause, without action all the intention in the world won't manifest a thing. Today it's about the doing. 

Occasionally, I pick up old habits and doubt what my purpose is. That is, until I look at how I spend my day. I look at how I'm usually making little deals with myself. For tasks I accomplish at the day job I'm rewarded with time to look up an animal totem or some other symbol or spiritual idea that found it's way into my awareness. Then I imagine a workday in which it is my job to do research, ponder life, listen to people's stories, and helping them overcome obstacles. I get really excited...

Devotion is proving to Spirit that I'm dead serious about what I want.  It's about investing the kinetic energy and sweat (truly, it's 103 degrees today) into being the Shaman I want to be. I don't understand why it's so tough to jump in and do when it feels so good to make tangible what I felt I had to hide for so long. I suppose it could be likened to exercise; feels so good when you're doing it, satisfying having done it, and yet you have to force yourself to get started. That's where the value comes from, I believe. It's about plowing through that obstacle of complacency and entitlement. I hate to think about myself as acting entitled but that's the message I'm sending to Spirit if I accept the gifts without gratitude. To display gratitude I must also show that I understand that what has been given can be taken away. It's about respect. My acceptance of the role I choose as Shaman is merely the first step of accepting my own potential. It comes with a responsibility to grow. It is not the end result, it is the beginning of the next phase. This is true of everyone, whether their path is as an artist or a mail carrier. Accept the role and be grateful in it, then the work begins to live up to your potential. I trust in Spirit and now I must show Spirit that I can be trusted in return.