Creekside Consultation

     The month of June is already often a difficult time for me, and this one has been a challenge, indeed. It's brought sudden loss and funerals as well as memories of sudden loss, grief, and funerals in the past. The heat of high Summer is settling in and the difficult news from around the world feels as oppressive and stifling as the climbing heat index. I've been feeling fatigued and stagnant. Hopefulness hasn't been as easy to reach as I've become accustomed to.

     I found myself encountering emotions I'm not proud of. I've felt self-pity, envy, self-doubt, and laziness. I've felt a disatisfaction with myself and my life that gave me a wake-up call when I faced it. Do I really have any reason to feel this way? I have a new way of doing things over the last couple of years. When I need help I go to the source. I went to my sacred space by a creek, gave many thanks, and listened.

     The birdsong reminded me to take a higher view and speak truly to myself and others. There has been sadness in this month but there has also been growth and purpose. I was able to be present in support of my family in a tough experience. I was also able to be an instrument of Spirit by delivering a message of love and comfort from one who has passed to a loved one in her grief and she didn't run away screaming or call me a freak. I did my job and acted on an opportunity to extend love. I feel really good about that.

     In a little pool off to my side there was a snapping turtle just hanging out and I thought about flexibility in my thinking. Maybe I haven't had as many appointments this month but opportunities don't always come in the ways that we expect. When we only measure success in one way, we're more often disappointed than not. Part of learning to live a free life is to take the chains off of our expectations too. Let the Universe handle the How. I'll just keep swimming, so to speak, and there's something to be said for just floating when your head is easily above water and your feet still touch the Earth. Snappers can't retreat back into their shell when threatened, they bite. I need to be mindful of my words when I feel stressed.

     A young Great Blue Heron flew by. Herons do their own thing. They dance to the beat of a different drum. It's self-reliant and resourceful. Herons have a mastery in 3 of the 4 elements; Earth, Water, and Air. I'm young in this stage of my life too but I'm getting it. I am fairly comfy in thought, emotion, and grounded in reality (my reality, that is)... What's missing is fire. True enough, I am lacking fire; that raw energy and motivation that kicks us into gear. Something to consider...

     Damselflies were copulating all around me in the in-between places where the water met the stone-- in the mosses growing thick on the rocks jutting out of the current. It made me think of creativity-- the conditions and components, the recipe of creation-- and how they're cold-blooded creatures who need the warmth of light and the sun to thrive. They begin their lives immersed in the water and crawl out to transform on the rocks to someday fly. Their irridescent scales reflect color with the light.  Now I know I need this light and warmth of the hot days. Embrace and absorb the energy freely given. I also need to balance my emotions with intellect.

     Lots to process... In the old days I felt so alone and I kept those negative emotions close to me like familiar friends but they left me feeling raw and powerless. Not what true friends do. It makes me feel much better to now have a plan. As I sat on the stone in the middle of the babbling water, I realized that these emotions are meant to just flow by if I stay grounded and let them go. With stone beneath me, afternoon sun touching me through the trees, breeze softly blowing on my face, I let the rushing current take all that negativity away with it. I let it cleanse me of all that I've been wrestling with for at least another day. I didn't feel the least bit lonely with so much advice coming from all directions.
 

Role Call: Having Stagefright in My Own Play

I'm so sure about my role as a spiritual messenger/guide and as a confidante to other beings of light. I know truly, without a doubt in my mind, that this is what I want to do with my time in this realm. What I struggle with every day, though, is fear. Fear of actually doing it and fear of having to do anything else except my calling to support myself and my family. I don't believe I'm alone in this conundrum.

I've spend a lot of time trying to define out loud what it is I'm afraid of so that I can face it head on. That approach is so often easier said than done and I think that too many of us expect ourselves to leap over it in a single bound; forgetting that it is a process. Processes take time and steps and sometimes move backwards before they can progress forward. That doesn't mean we aren't successful every time we take a baby step closer to who we truly are. Really this concept is applicable to more than a career choice- it's about becoming us everywhere.

I used to think that keeping home and job seperate was the best way to have it. I was never a career gal. To me, career meant choosing your job over life and family. Labeling a job as a career meant that your responsibilities within that role were elevated in priority to a level that made it just as important as, if not more so, than what I considered to be Real Life. I could understand that choice if one was driven to be a doctor, lawyer, or a teacher; some noble calling essential to the collective good of the world.
-- Hey now, before groaning about the nobility and necessity of lawyers, please think about the role of lawyer as defenders of the defenseless and champions of the cause. Idealists have existed out there somewhere.--
Anyway, I thought those people took normal life when they could get it and I admired their devotion but didn't feel I could relate to them at all. Fact is, we gotta have money for basic needs these days and therefore we average humans work to get money. I only wanted work I could leave at the building I did it in and really live doing what I loved with my family. Part of me envied people that were career-minded, doing work they loved so much they couldn't just leave it at the "office", but I think now that it had more to do with their knowing their true calling.

As it turns out-- A calling doesn't have much to do with who pays you, or titles, or whether you go to another place for so many hours a day. A calling has more to do with your role, your purpose, your place in this lifetime, this world,  and this era. We all have a part to play in our little dioramas or we wouldn't be here now; billions of little ripples in the ocean of existance. We're each here to experience and help others experience their truth. There is no loftier or more important career in this existance than being our true selves; whether that's as a gutter installer, a fast food cashier, a homemaker, or a spiritual advisor. As long as we do it and all else in a spirit of joy and purpose.

In my heart, I know I'm here to walk with others. I've experienced so much in my life so that I can better relate to so many of you. In the meantime, I'm scared of putting myself out there too. I'm afraid no one will want me to walk with them. I'm afraid I'll have to busy my days with work that is seperate from my heart and it will stunt my potential. Just like everyone else, I'm afraid. However, because I'm fully aware of this, I have to overcome it... One step at a time. One blog post at a time. One reading at a time... to get accustomed to living my truth so that I can help you all with yours. We do it together, see?

Don't Fence Me In

My mind wants to be with Crow today-- Who am I kidding? Every part of me wants to be with Crow today and everyday--

He calls from outside my work window incessantly. The flocks of Starlings and Sparrows are returning from their winter travels for the new Spring and the Crows stand sentinel over the roadway. They perch high on the telephone poles and caw; warning the flocks of approaching cars as they graze in the field by the side of the road. I feel closed away by the expanse of cement, chain-linked fence, and road that stand between me and the little oasis of nature here on the edge of an urban sprawl. This few acre triangle of land is so close as to see it, and much within it, from the window in my tower. Somewhere under the young Oak, Tedmund the Groundhog lies slumbering and dreaming. From my perch, I see the Crows watch over the flocks, the Kestrels hunt from the tree tops, and lone Turkey Vultures spiral over the scene from time to time. I've heard that Coyote has made an appearance to drink from the water run-off culvert that leads to a small wooded area but I haven't seen him for myself. It makes me sad to see the blatant example of our encroachment to their habitat but I also feel blessed to have them close by, as I grind away at a mundane job, reminding me that I'm a part of their world.

Earthquakes, Tornadoes, and Floods! Oh My!

 As a native of Tornado Alley, I've had more than my share of tornado dreams. If I lived on a coast, I'm sure I'd have hurricane dreams. I'm willing to bet my cousin in California has had an earthquake dream or two. Natural disasters have been a staple in human lives since the beginning of our age. The forces of nature were not to be trifled with. Often referred to as Acts of God, catastrophic natural events cause massive physical change to the landscape , suffering, and destruction on a scale that only a deity could wield. We may have made strides in understanding the elements and through technology harness their power but they are still the Great Equalizer. No matter how high and mighty we get, Mother Nature still comes along and knocks down our Legos to make us start all over again.

In our dreams, what better symbol to reflect chaos, confusion, frustration, and the feeling of helplessness than these events? What a perfect metaphor for the unforeseen challenges of life. Nature reminds us of our place in the big picture. It reminds us we're still just critters scurrying around with the rest of them-- smart critters-- but critters none-the-less. When you remember that a dream is one big metaphor for what's going on in our world, we can really see why our subconscious chooses this imagery to bring issues to our attention. These dreams are often scary stuff and nightmares are actually just ways to get our attention focused a little more quick-like :)

Aside from the disasters that occur naturally in the regions in which we're from, a look closer may reveal that a specific kind of catastrophe may correlate to an area of your life where you're experiencing difficulty. Look at the element of nature being represented. Tornadoes, hurricanes, and cyclones are all good examples of a disturbance in the element of air. Air is the realm of thought, ideas and inspiration, and perspective. When I've wrestled with some primarily intellectual issues in my life, it wasn't uncommon for some tornadoes to show up in my dreams as I'm trying to sort it out; especially when it comes at me suddenly.

Another really common example are floods. Water is the realm of life experiences, creativity, and emotions just for starters. When overwhelmed with big emotions, it's prime conditions for a dream flood, tsunami, or drowning dream.

If the Earth is shaking or cracking in your dream, take a look at your foundation. Not literally. Well, unless you live in an area prone to Mother Earth's shimmies. Then you might be getting a timely message to check your home before financial troubles arise. By foundation, I was initially referring to your core being; the rocks of your life, the cornerstones. How's your will power?

Forest fires or volcanoes making appearances lately? Think about the actions you're taking, or not taking, in your plans... Or have you acted rashly? Positively, are you experiencing an opportunity for rebirth?

There are some natural events which touch on a little more. Think about a thunderstorm. It can have elements of air, water, and fire within it. Consider the size of the storm. If I, a Missouri girl, dream of a hurricane it's likely that my issue is being felt on a larger scale than a tornado but there's more time to prepare for it. A volcano has both fire and earth. I could be making big changes in the foundations of my life. Look at the severity of the destruction and what was affected.

Really looking at the details around the event in your dream will help you to figure out what you can learn and apply in your waking life.  Use the clues to pinpoint areas of stress so you can jump back in and regain control. Remember, too, that these times of difficulty can be opportunities for creative expression, new beginnings, and renewal of your Soul Self. Just as in nature, what destroys also makes room for new life. A volcano makes an island. A forest fire thins the undergrowth that chokes out the trees. It's important to remember that although they can be disturbing, most often these types of dreams are simply messages in code and once you start deciphering them for yourself, an understanding can be developed and your intuition strengthened.

Let's start talking about dreams!

I've always been fascinated with symbols. I love to look beyond the surface to find the message in everything. Our whole world is full of symbols. Dreams are a wonderful and rewarding source for all kinds of symbolism and knowledge. They've been used for inspiration, divination, and self-growth.  Every dream can be a valuable tool in understanding what makes you tick. Let's look at what a dream really is.

Have you ever wished for a best friend who's precisely "another you"? Someone who came from the same background, has the same perspective of the world around you, and knows everything about you? That person who, because of everything afore mentioned, just knows what to say when life gets a bit complicated? Well, guess what? You've had that friend all along. Meet your sub-conscious! AKA your Soul Self. Your sub-conscious can fill that role. In fact, it is the real you. It tells you like it is, rarely pulls any punches, and genuinely has only your best interests at heart. Very few best friends can actually fit that bill. Dreams are the vehicle for communication with your newly re-discovered best friend.

Your sub-conscious, your Soul Self, has a link to the divine and has painstakingly gathered everything you've experienced in your lifetime. All that you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell is stored away for future reference. Most often these references are communicated back to you through dreams. Your Soul Self is building a vocabulary from the moment you enter this life. When we communicate with others outside of ourselves we begin with a thought. The mind forms images of that we wish to communicate and we then use our vocal abilities, physical gestures, and socially agreed upon symbols to convey our thoughts as accurately as we can to another being. It's a pretty complex system when you think of it that way and when you consider that for most of us this process takes place in microseconds. Obviously, some of us are better than others at getting their ideas out of their heads and to another person. Unfortunately, there can be many obstacles to prevent the message from coming through accurately. For example: different languages, different culture, and different experiences can affect the interpretation of meaning behind someone else's words.

Now, your Soul Self is you so it skips right over everything past the initial thought. It needs no words so it's almost like using flash cards to tell a story or those pictograph stories we did as kids. A pictograph uses an image or icon instead of a word or phrase to get the same meaning across. In our culture it's generally not as accepted to talk to ourselves with any seriousness and we tend to forget our own power so we often look outward for our answers. Dreams are a reminder to us that we are more than flesh and bone. For some this is an avenue for communication with our Creator, Spirit, or higher power. For others, it's a mind-bogglingly complex system of self-study that uses the extra power of the brain to consider our life interactions while the body gets healing and rest. (Whew! That's a mouthful!) Regardless of which camp we're in, there is the understanding that benefit can be gained from the consideration of our sleeping thoughts. Although I'm in the first, I felt I should reference both sides-- spiritual and secular-- because one doesn't have to be spiritual to recognize the complexity of our existence and find value in the study of our psychological processes.

Dreams are an incredible resource and a wonderful first step to beginning to realise our true potential and empower ourselves. Once we begin deciphering the language our Soul Selves are using, we can begin to gain insight from our dreams that we can apply to our waking life to help us lead a more fulfilling and enriched life.

A Year and a Day

It's merely coincidental that I'm meditating upon the happenings over the past year at the beginning of a new calendar one. I'm not one to believe in resolutions made for the sake of tradition. Resolutions should be made when one has the true resolve to carry them out and no date on the calendar can determine readiness. Today marks the anniversary of the day I took the first concrete step to take my life back. I've not shared as much about this process as I once intended. Not because I lacked the dedication. Not because I didn't want to share my experiences with anyone who may benefit. It was simply because I didn't know how to put into words the changes, inner-conflicts, and sudden flashes of understanding that came to me. I struggle to describe them accurately still because I would only know that a change had occurred when a ghost of a memory of what once was became stirred up by a realization of the truth of now... and they didn't match. I am the same person I was and yet not. I am so much more than I was but yet no more than I was born. How's that for a brain twister?


Before I began the journey of Soul Retrieval, I was a very sad little girl trapped in the dream world of a woman driven by survival. I set goals that aspired to do little more than to be as prepared as possible for the next disaster; for the other shoe to drop. I was born this bright, confident, happy person and over the years became a victim-- first physically, then mentally-- perpetuating the cycle of dis-ease. As those fragments of light were siphoned off, the void was filled by doubt and grief. The darkness filling in the cracks of my spirit was like water seeping within the cracks of stone. With every extreme experience, the darkness expanded and contracted until my strength of will felt more like a pile of gravel. I was so tired. I was finally able to put ego aside and admit that I needed help and real change. I finally believed that it wasn't weakness to acknowledge that I'd done all I could and that surrendering to Spirit takes the ultimate strength. I had already done a lot of the preparation instinctively. I had narrowed down the outside factors to realize that the emptiness wasn't situational. I got my life in a good place and there was still something missing. So, one month before my 37th birthday I chose to put myself in God's hands and get my reset button pushed.

I wish I could say that it all becomes so clear when you become whole but nothing that worth having comes that easy. The truth sounds just as cliche as the lie, doesn't it? I thought I was as prepared as I could be and I'm not ashamed to say that I believe I was more prepared for the truth than many. Yet, I was surprised at the success that came instantly and perplexed at the quests that would come to form my path. I've found a purpose, although I sometimes still have to rely on faith to act on it. I'm learning how to just be. I'm grateful for my partner's patience when I indulge my heart and have to go back a tenth mile to the creek because those fresh water clam shells wanted me to take them home. Someday I won't even question the thought. I'm learning how to let go of expectations... and people. I'm learning how to tell the difference between the urges of Spirit and running away. I've gained guides and teachers, turned from some, found them in strange places, and even lost others. I've learned that being true to yourself can be the catalyst for someone else's change. I've also learned that when it comes to spiritual practices, not only does it not matter so much what you do, it's why you do it, and that you do it regularly. It's a promise to yourself and God.

As I write and contemplate past and future, this next year feels simply like a continuation of the not-so-simple adjusting to being unbroken. It is, of course, an ongoing process but I've been informed that I'm actually in another stage having to do with the path I've chosen. Which helps me to feel a sense of completion and makes me feel better when I'm still pretty unsure at times. I'm really good at listening to myself but trusting is a lesson still in process. I have a role to take in assisting the metamorphosis of several loved ones and I'm very excited. This year I'll also tackle the challenge of bringing my relationship with Spirit out of my head and heart and into the real world to share. Sharing with you all is a big part of that. I'm grateful for the opportunity.  

What Yogis already know and I'm just figuring out.

A few weeks ago I started taking a Yin yoga class at my favorite studio to better prepare my body for longer meditation. At least, that's why I took the first class...

As it turns out, Yin class not only gives me quiet time to myself and keeps me from feeling quite so geriatric when I get up from mediation but it's also like giving myself a deep tissue massage! I don't know a lot about yoga yet; such as the different styles or even the names of the positions in Sanskrit; or English either for that matter. I only know how good it feels, that it helps my dance practice, and that hopefully I'll be mobile longer in advancing years.

Developed by Buddhist monks, Yin is a practice of sustaining certain yoga poses to passively elongate and stress the soft tissues. This is the opposite activity to aggressively engaging the muscles in others for shorter amounts of time to build strength and endurance. Those poses are often referred to as Yang in this discipline. Yin and Yang also representing the feminine and masculine, or passive and aggressive, respectively. Our muscles need stress or exertion to keep from atrophying and so does our fascia. If not sufficiently worked, the tissues contract becoming less flexible and prone to injury over time. Yin yoga is a practice to provide the needed stimulation to prevent this problem. This a very basic overview that I've absorbed from my yoga teacher and a bit of self-study.

All of these are perfectly good reasons to continue and make it a permanent practice in my life. Perhaps even more important, though, is that I'm also learning about how yoga applies to life off of the mat. I've spent so much more of my life in that realm so it's those lessons that have been the catalyst for the biggest change I've experienced thus far. 

I'm realizing that life is very much like the practice of yoga, or maybe yoga is like life; however you want to look at it. Life can be huge and intimidating but yoga is a something I can tackle a little bit at a time. It's somewhat new to me and somehow that helps me give myself permission to fail at first. I have more patience with my body, my vehicle of experience, to work up to a goal. Sounds like something we should probably preach less and practice a little more to ourselves and others about life too, doesn't it?

"Hey! We're new at this life thing! Give us a break, we're just learning!"

There are times of Yang where we engage and struggle. We exert our power, encounter resistance, and persevere. This builds strength, endurance, and the ability to hold fast pulling from vast reservoirs of strength we didn't even know we have. Lock in and breathe through it! We become very aware of our existence in periods of strife.

Then there are times of Yin where we need to let go and let God, so to speak. Relax and listen to the beating of our own hearts and let the rest fall away. There can be a terrible urge to flex those muscles and create a force but we have to let it slip by us like a dry leaf on a stream. We have to let the pieces fall where they may; participate through observing, bear witness. After a time, the rules bend, the impossible becomes possible, and we allow ourselves to think outside the box and dream big. Why? Because we're not limiting ourselves with a range we've already experienced as reality or proven ablility. Settle in and enjoy the ride! Be at rest... Be at peace... We float the current instead of swim against it, which allows us time and energy for a much broader view of our world. We can recharge from the energy around us instead of summoning our own and giving it away leaving us drained.

Don't get me wrong. We need both kinds of life experience to grow. Sometimes in those Yang moments though, we swim against the current and we succeed due to focus and sheer determination. I'm imagining a time when I can have that same unwavering focus while floating with the current. What amazing things will I accomplish then?



Becoming Shaman

My mentor and colleague, Shane, has a lot of sayings but one of his favorite is, "The greatest challenge and the greatest reward you will ever have is to simply be yourself." My experiences over the last 6 months certainly reflect that. I didn't realize how many years I spent trying to be something, or someone, else until I reached that point. My tried and true coping mechanism had always been to decide who I wanted to emulate and act my way through. I wouldn't call this point Rock Bottom because I'd seen much tougher emotional times. No, this time I was in limbo. My modus operandi had failed me. I felt like a hermit crab that left a shell and couldn't find another one; raw, vulnerable, lost... I couldn't decide what skin to wear, felt pulled in different directions, and was exhausted. I didn't realize that the one persona I continuously ignored or rejected was my own; only by now I couldn't even recognize it from all the different versions. It was time to rebuild. I thought maybe it was my rereading of Marion Zimmer Bradley's "Priestess of Avalon" at the time that influenced my answer when Shane asked what I would do with my life with no 'if only's' but without hesitation I blurted out, "A Priestess." 

I thought it'd go easier once I gave up fighting and just decided to allow myself the freedom to just be. It's an amazing, intense, and profound experience to grant yourself permission to do that. All I had wanted to be, I was all along. I rode the spiritual high that came with it for quite a while. What I didn't think about at the time, is that there is more work to do. As it turns out, I've been terribly good at being Me quietly and keeping her buried deep inside. I've not been terribly good at being Me in practice. While it is true that thought is cause, without action all the intention in the world won't manifest a thing. Today it's about the doing. 

Occasionally, I pick up old habits and doubt what my purpose is. That is, until I look at how I spend my day. I look at how I'm usually making little deals with myself. For tasks I accomplish at the day job I'm rewarded with time to look up an animal totem or some other symbol or spiritual idea that found it's way into my awareness. Then I imagine a workday in which it is my job to do research, ponder life, listen to people's stories, and helping them overcome obstacles. I get really excited...

Devotion is proving to Spirit that I'm dead serious about what I want.  It's about investing the kinetic energy and sweat (truly, it's 103 degrees today) into being the Shaman I want to be. I don't understand why it's so tough to jump in and do when it feels so good to make tangible what I felt I had to hide for so long. I suppose it could be likened to exercise; feels so good when you're doing it, satisfying having done it, and yet you have to force yourself to get started. That's where the value comes from, I believe. It's about plowing through that obstacle of complacency and entitlement. I hate to think about myself as acting entitled but that's the message I'm sending to Spirit if I accept the gifts without gratitude. To display gratitude I must also show that I understand that what has been given can be taken away. It's about respect. My acceptance of the role I choose as Shaman is merely the first step of accepting my own potential. It comes with a responsibility to grow. It is not the end result, it is the beginning of the next phase. This is true of everyone, whether their path is as an artist or a mail carrier. Accept the role and be grateful in it, then the work begins to live up to your potential. I trust in Spirit and now I must show Spirit that I can be trusted in return.