The month of June is already often a difficult time for me, and this one has been a challenge, indeed. It's brought sudden loss and funerals as well as memories of sudden loss, grief, and funerals in the past. The heat of high Summer is settling in and the difficult news from around the world feels as oppressive and stifling as the climbing heat index. I've been feeling fatigued and stagnant. Hopefulness hasn't been as easy to reach as I've become accustomed to.
I found myself encountering emotions I'm not proud of. I've felt self-pity, envy, self-doubt, and laziness. I've felt a disatisfaction with myself and my life that gave me a wake-up call when I faced it. Do I really have any reason to feel this way? I have a new way of doing things over the last couple of years. When I need help I go to the source. I went to my sacred space by a creek, gave many thanks, and listened.
The birdsong reminded me to take a higher view and speak truly to myself and others. There has been sadness in this month but there has also been growth and purpose. I was able to be present in support of my family in a tough experience. I was also able to be an instrument of Spirit by delivering a message of love and comfort from one who has passed to a loved one in her grief and she didn't run away screaming or call me a freak. I did my job and acted on an opportunity to extend love. I feel really good about that.
In a little pool off to my side there was a snapping turtle just hanging out and I thought about flexibility in my thinking. Maybe I haven't had as many appointments this month but opportunities don't always come in the ways that we expect. When we only measure success in one way, we're more often disappointed than not. Part of learning to live a free life is to take the chains off of our expectations too. Let the Universe handle the How. I'll just keep swimming, so to speak, and there's something to be said for just floating when your head is easily above water and your feet still touch the Earth. Snappers can't retreat back into their shell when threatened, they bite. I need to be mindful of my words when I feel stressed.
A young Great Blue Heron flew by. Herons do their own thing. They dance to the beat of a different drum. It's self-reliant and resourceful. Herons have a mastery in 3 of the 4 elements; Earth, Water, and Air. I'm young in this stage of my life too but I'm getting it. I am fairly comfy in thought, emotion, and grounded in reality (my reality, that is)... What's missing is fire. True enough, I am lacking fire; that raw energy and motivation that kicks us into gear. Something to consider...
Damselflies were copulating all around me in the in-between places where the water met the stone-- in the mosses growing thick on the rocks jutting out of the current. It made me think of creativity-- the conditions and components, the recipe of creation-- and how they're cold-blooded creatures who need the warmth of light and the sun to thrive. They begin their lives immersed in the water and crawl out to transform on the rocks to someday fly. Their irridescent scales reflect color with the light. Now I know I need this light and warmth of the hot days. Embrace and absorb the energy freely given. I also need to balance my emotions with intellect.
Lots to process... In the old days I felt so alone and I kept those negative emotions close to me like familiar friends but they left me feeling raw and powerless. Not what true friends do. It makes me feel much better to now have a plan. As I sat on the stone in the middle of the babbling water, I realized that these emotions are meant to just flow by if I stay grounded and let them go. With stone beneath me, afternoon sun touching me through the trees, breeze softly blowing on my face, I let the rushing current take all that negativity away with it. I let it cleanse me of all that I've been wrestling with for at least another day. I didn't feel the least bit lonely with so much advice coming from all directions.
I've been seeing lots of Canada geese lately, often in pairs. Two is a number of balance, encourages planning, urges decision making, and for us to use our good judgement for the betterment of our Soul. Ted Andrews, author of Animal Speak, says geese are very tied to our childhood stories; hence, Mother Goose's nursery rhymes. He said to think back to our favorite stories and fairy tales of our childhood and think on how they actually correlate to your life. The first one that popped in my head as a lasting and particular favorite was "Bedtime for Frances" by Russell Hoban. I hadn't thought of that book in years but it fits so well! Frances is a little girl badger who is trying so hard to avoid bedtime like most children her age. She uses all the stalling tactics: requests a drink of milk, extra affection from both parents, her dolls and stuffed animals... Then she starts letting her imagination get the better of her and even familiar items look scary and distorted in the darkness of her room.
(Side note: I was flabbergasted to learn at the time of this writing that there has actually been controversy regarding this book and efforts to ban it due in part to a reference to Frances being threatened with a spanking if she doesn't comply to staying in her bed. Mostly, this comes from people in the anti-spanking, spanking = abuse camps of thinking. They feel that the threat of violence from Frances' father is scary and inappropriate for children. I see how this would concern those who take this stance and, in fact, very rarely spanked my own children although it was mostly because I didn't find it to be a deterrant to them particularly. However, as a child abuse survivor, I never found this book to be anything but a comforting and sweet story that I cherished and found Frances' home to be a desirable place to live.)
I certainly can relate to Frances! Darkness and sleep commonly represent the sub-conscious, dreams, mystery, and intuition. I look at the way I've cautiously held my new career at arm's length. I procrastinate, fear it (to a degree as discussed previously), mistrust it, and seek the comfort and affirmations of people I hold up as authority figures for guidance... I'm sure that even more could be gleaned from each of the specific stalling she tries. I don't even think it's necessary to go that far in my own analysis when perhaps the most poignant moment of all for me is the end when she comes to understand that it is her job to get some sleep so she can wake up fresh the next morning to be her best.
I will be purchasing another copy because I wish I could remember the story in more detail. Although, there are parts that are still really stuck in my memory. Like when she decided to sing her alphabet to herself. "A is for Alphabet, B is for Bear. C is for Crocodile combing his hair..." I can still hear Lillian Hoban's childlike voice singing this little tune on the record that came with my copy of the book.
It IS my job to welcome the darkness in order to bring about my full potential and develop spiritually. So in attempting to embrace my new "job" in dreams and intuition, I admit that I have been going forward dragging my feet with all kinds of irrational fears. Frances finally exhausts herself to the point that she falls asleep but she still did it thinking she accomplished it on her terms when, in fact, she just stopped fighting the inevitable for her own good. When you open your mind and listen to the world around you, even a pair of geese and a procrastinating child badger can be your gurus.
My mind wants to be with Crow today-- Who am I kidding? Every part of me wants to be with Crow today and everyday--
He calls from outside my work window incessantly. The flocks of Starlings and Sparrows are returning from their winter travels for the new Spring and the Crows stand sentinel over the roadway. They perch high on the telephone poles and caw; warning the flocks of approaching cars as they graze in the field by the side of the road. I feel closed away by the expanse of cement, chain-linked fence, and road that stand between me and the little oasis of nature here on the edge of an urban sprawl. This few acre triangle of land is so close as to see it, and much within it, from the window in my tower. Somewhere under the young Oak, Tedmund the Groundhog lies slumbering and dreaming. From my perch, I see the Crows watch over the flocks, the Kestrels hunt from the tree tops, and lone Turkey Vultures spiral over the scene from time to time. I've heard that Coyote has made an appearance to drink from the water run-off culvert that leads to a small wooded area but I haven't seen him for myself. It makes me sad to see the blatant example of our encroachment to their habitat but I also feel blessed to have them close by, as I grind away at a mundane job, reminding me that I'm a part of their world.
