All I need to know about 2014 I learned on the first day.

New Year's Day is not really a blip on my radar as far as holidays go. I don't go crazy with the resolutions or have that feeling that my slate is wiped clean. I do love symbolism and divination, though, and right now there is such a flurry of activity happening in my world that I found myself actually asking what 2014 holds in store. Throughout the day little things started to float to the surface. By the end, I realized all that I had seen and what I could do to serve myself best in the next 364 days. One observation I made to myself last night was that over 2013 I read a lot of uplifting, encouraging, and inspiring things looking to find a reflection of myself in them. This year, I'd like to do more writing of these things so that I'm living them too rather than just reading about them being lived by other people. So, I am.

My 1-1-14 got off to a late start but I didn't really have any expectations upon my day farther than one hour to the next. You know, that's not a bad way to operate. I guess I did have some pretty basic goals. I wanted food when I was hungry, warmth when I was cold, and overall health and safety for myself and those in my charge and that was about it. Yet, I didn't specify how any of those things came to be. I just believed they would be met.  As it happened, a portion of those goals were reached through the generosity of a dear friend rather than our own hands. So...1. I'll keep doing my part and laying the groundwork and I'll let the Universe decide from what avenue or in what form my prosperity will come. In the perspective of one day, necessities met were good goals but for the year, I can up the ante. The Universe can take it.

2. I will continue to have times where I feel less than my potential but still answer the call to accomplish things bigger than myself.
I started my day not feeling my best between viruses and holiday excesses. However, I was still participating in my life. As I watched the other 2 Sassy Broads and our associates in a frenzy of planning and development of our collective dreams over social media, there were many moments I felt a little in over my head-- Ok, way over my head-- but I stayed available and chimed in instead of hiding out in my cave until I felt worthy. Maybe I didn't have the next of our brilliant ideas that day but I showed up. I'm learning that I don't have to have all the answers or be the 'most-est' to matter. In fact, very often you don't know what you can offer until the opportunity presents itself while you're present. Some of my greatest moments last year happened because I was just there and gave what I had. This year, I'm not waiting for anything. I am worthy and I'm showing up.

3. I witnessed friends and loved ones dealing with loss and there was not much I could do but hold space for them in my heart and be present when asked. There will be more loss in the coming year and just being present in some way does matter. 
Grief and loss affect everyone in their lives. Everyone handles it differently. We spent the afternoon visiting a friend who has experienced the loss of a parent recently. He opened his home and his kitchen to his friends for that day and made us dinner! We had life-changing chili (lime juice and fresh cilantro, who knew???), chocolate pie, and lounged on the couch watching original episodes of The Twilight Zone on TV. No grand speeches or overtures had to be made. We just sat and shared time and food together. Unfortunately, I never had the pleasure of meeting his mother but from what I have gathered and by his example, she must have been a kind, thoughtful, and loving friend to many. The expression of love between human beings needn't be complicated. It just needs to be expressed in some way. I'm grateful to him for providing an experience of physical and emotional comfort to us and I hope our company was a comfort to him as well because as comfy as we were due to his hospitality, spending time with him was why we were there.

4. Even when a loss in my own life seems imminent, there is still uncertainty. I will have to learn how to handle that and the time in-between.
I've had people close to me leave this life in both a 'prepared' way and in a sudden way. I'm often asked which I thought was easier. Neither, is my answer because each person's imprint on your life is unique and their loss is never easy. My mother has a terminal illness. Just how that translates into minutes or years is unclear for any of us as this condition has been on-going for several years already. I received an emotionally difficult email from her on the first day of the year. The timing was difficult, our relationship has always been difficult, and all is made further complex by this question of how much more time there is. This will be a year that I will be forced to address this situation. We have come a long way forward within the last year though, and all I know for certain is that I can admit that I don't have the answers right now. That's a pretty big step right there and enough for me for the time being. 

Watching those episodes of Twilight Zone was like sitting with a grandparent for story time. I didn't remember-- or perhaps just didn't appreciate-- how eloquent the writing was and how full of life lessons many were. With a belly full of chili and a super soft couch, I was snug as a bug absorbing the messages. Each episode we watched are worth their very own discussion but I think it's more poignant that I learned this: 5. Just because the landscape and technology is different today than it was 50 years ago, the world hasn't really changed. Humans still face the same questions about our existence and purpose. Aesthetics and gadgets aren't going to change the world for the future. The people who use them have to have made a change.

Follow this with watching the feature film, Man of Steel, with the family that evening and my message for 2014 was clear. The story of a being not of this planet but nurtured and raised in it possessing unlimited potential to solve problems and create a future better than what we've witnessed thus far should mean something to us all. Superheroes are our modern day mythology and they challenge us with a call to action. I saw it very personally. Another 50 years is going to tick by, this year I'm being called to decide whether I'm just going to be in this world or if I'm going to invest in it. I'll have to be one who invests in order to help have the advancement of humanity and not just the complexity of our gadgets to show for it.

I know that that is a lot to take in for just one day but the clues were there for me to find. I also know that all of these things are true in any year of our lives but it is significant that they were brought to my attention this year. I was aware. I was ready to hear them. I'm different than I was on 1-1-13. Wisdom, like a wizard, is never late nor early but arrives precisely when it means to. I'm not one who usually makes them but I had actually considered making traditional resolutions this year. All of these contemplations and realizations I found actually boiled down to one simple goal for myself. Show up. I'm going to show up to the event of my life. That's why I'm here and that's what ultimately will make a difference for everyone.

A Year and a Day

It's merely coincidental that I'm meditating upon the happenings over the past year at the beginning of a new calendar one. I'm not one to believe in resolutions made for the sake of tradition. Resolutions should be made when one has the true resolve to carry them out and no date on the calendar can determine readiness. Today marks the anniversary of the day I took the first concrete step to take my life back. I've not shared as much about this process as I once intended. Not because I lacked the dedication. Not because I didn't want to share my experiences with anyone who may benefit. It was simply because I didn't know how to put into words the changes, inner-conflicts, and sudden flashes of understanding that came to me. I struggle to describe them accurately still because I would only know that a change had occurred when a ghost of a memory of what once was became stirred up by a realization of the truth of now... and they didn't match. I am the same person I was and yet not. I am so much more than I was but yet no more than I was born. How's that for a brain twister?


Before I began the journey of Soul Retrieval, I was a very sad little girl trapped in the dream world of a woman driven by survival. I set goals that aspired to do little more than to be as prepared as possible for the next disaster; for the other shoe to drop. I was born this bright, confident, happy person and over the years became a victim-- first physically, then mentally-- perpetuating the cycle of dis-ease. As those fragments of light were siphoned off, the void was filled by doubt and grief. The darkness filling in the cracks of my spirit was like water seeping within the cracks of stone. With every extreme experience, the darkness expanded and contracted until my strength of will felt more like a pile of gravel. I was so tired. I was finally able to put ego aside and admit that I needed help and real change. I finally believed that it wasn't weakness to acknowledge that I'd done all I could and that surrendering to Spirit takes the ultimate strength. I had already done a lot of the preparation instinctively. I had narrowed down the outside factors to realize that the emptiness wasn't situational. I got my life in a good place and there was still something missing. So, one month before my 37th birthday I chose to put myself in God's hands and get my reset button pushed.

I wish I could say that it all becomes so clear when you become whole but nothing that worth having comes that easy. The truth sounds just as cliche as the lie, doesn't it? I thought I was as prepared as I could be and I'm not ashamed to say that I believe I was more prepared for the truth than many. Yet, I was surprised at the success that came instantly and perplexed at the quests that would come to form my path. I've found a purpose, although I sometimes still have to rely on faith to act on it. I'm learning how to just be. I'm grateful for my partner's patience when I indulge my heart and have to go back a tenth mile to the creek because those fresh water clam shells wanted me to take them home. Someday I won't even question the thought. I'm learning how to let go of expectations... and people. I'm learning how to tell the difference between the urges of Spirit and running away. I've gained guides and teachers, turned from some, found them in strange places, and even lost others. I've learned that being true to yourself can be the catalyst for someone else's change. I've also learned that when it comes to spiritual practices, not only does it not matter so much what you do, it's why you do it, and that you do it regularly. It's a promise to yourself and God.

As I write and contemplate past and future, this next year feels simply like a continuation of the not-so-simple adjusting to being unbroken. It is, of course, an ongoing process but I've been informed that I'm actually in another stage having to do with the path I've chosen. Which helps me to feel a sense of completion and makes me feel better when I'm still pretty unsure at times. I'm really good at listening to myself but trusting is a lesson still in process. I have a role to take in assisting the metamorphosis of several loved ones and I'm very excited. This year I'll also tackle the challenge of bringing my relationship with Spirit out of my head and heart and into the real world to share. Sharing with you all is a big part of that. I'm grateful for the opportunity.