The Girl Who Did Not Run

Restlessness had set in. There was a restlessness in thought and in body; a feeling of being compelled to move despite being exhausted. What began emotionally soon became intellectual as my thoughts raced to the next topic to avoid getting trapped in emotion that I couldn't identify or understand. The urge to study became too erratic to be of any use; my thoughts morphing too quickly to take hold in the white-capped rapids of my stream of consciousness.

To find peace I determined that I should focus more on my quiet time; my mantra meditation. It is always a healthy struggle to tame my monkey mind but the urge to move was an added challenge that lately left me feeling more frustrated as well as unsatisfied. I didn't want to think anymore so I channeled that current to my legs and I ran.

I walked. I hiked. I ran. For two weeks now, I've continued to push my body to its limits to feel nothing but the burning of now. It seems only the jarring of my feet hitting the ground keeps my attention and lets me relax. The only issue to face is my next breath. The only problem to solve is finding the optimal point between relaxation and control of my foot fall; remembering that my right foot tends to turn in before impact. My inner dialogue is caught up in coaching the flesh suit to shape up. Keep those feet parallel. Don't roll those steps- land in the middle. Chin down. Chest lifted. Let the Abs do the work to pull the knees up higher... There in that space, I'm feeling my life truly in the moment. I am free. I am alive.

Pain in my knees in Jr. High ended any self-image of athleticism. In the eighth grade, I was officially sidelined with doctors' notes. My heart rate was too high. My knees were perpetually in braces. The tall, lanky boys' coach called me lazy and a fake likely hoping to spur me to movement. In truth, I wanted to be moving. I only felt lucky or relieved to be counted out on team sports days or the mile test. An orthopedist declared Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and I started to wrap my brain around the identity of one who did not run.

Low impact activity was allowed though, and I prided myself on having strength even without speed. So, I spent my high school P.E. credits in weight-lifting. Although chronically aching, I reveled in the force of my stocky legs. Heavy weights on the hip-sled made me feel powerful. In the off days we did cardio. Despite those doctors' notes and my protests of stiffness due to the early class time, Coach Willis made me walk anyway. I did run a little too- even if it was only for a minute at a time. I'm so grateful to him. I started to lose the cripple identity I was trying on but I still didn't see myself as anything other than slightly-abled rather than disabled.

Over the years, the lack of deterioration in my joints led the powers that be to decide that I might not have Arthritis after all. With the other symptoms I had developed it was more likely to be Fibromyalgia. Could be that I'd had it all along as very little is understood about this syndrome. All I knew was that oftentimes the discomfort was only lessened or made tolerable by moving and I watched my mother, having the same condition, choose inactivity and lose her independence.

Fast forward 20 years and I find myself a dancer, a novice yogini, and becoming a... runner? I made the realization last night as I pushed my way to a total of 2.1 miles of running out of the 2.8 mile trail I now frequent. I still run in intervals but I can sometimes go up to 4/10 mi. at a time. Last night for the first time I found that perfect place where my breath, my gait, the planets were all aligned and discomfort melted away. I felt like I could run forever. It was only for a brief moment; that perfect focus easily lost with the slightest distraction like my fledging days in meditation. I did experience it though, and I thought... "I am a runner. Will wonders never cease?"
 

Why worry now? part 3

    
       Expect this process to be a roller coaster. The emotional tug-o-war you've already been living isn't much different. You laugh one minute, you cry the next. What is going to change is how you deal with those ups and downs and that over time, the highs and lows won't be so extreme.

You know how you get those twinges of realization that your perspective is headed south? Here's where you face the choice again. In Survivor Mode you don't give in to activities that you may think soothe your mood but that actually bring you farther down the melancholy way. I love, love, love sad songs (more than the average person) but it's not doing me any favors when I'm on the edge of a swirl of emotion that's pointing down. You're not gonna fetch the 1/2 gallon of ice cream from the freezer and stuff it and your issues down your gullet... Or basically engage in any of the behaviors that just come back to haunt us later.

     You are going to do something that you know improves your mood; like exercise, meditation, or creative expression. It might make you grumpy to consider at first because it's just so comfy curling back up with that ratty old electric blankie. You know it's a serious fire hazard but it feels so darn familiar and warm... Slippery slope, my friend! You may even swear that nothing could make you feel better but truly, just the action of doing takes energy from your negativity pool and automatically changes the odds. You'll figure out what those things are for you personally but you can't lose with the things I mentioned. Exercise= Endorphins. Meditation (with practice)= Peace. Creative Expressions= Accomplishment. As for me, I can't stay in despair when I'm in the woods or by a stream. I go there. I hug trees. When you're that down, what pride do you have left to worry about bruising if someone should see you?

     Change is constant. Accept that now. Do learn to equate change with opportunity and a clean slate with added wisdom instead of fear and negativity. You can continue to fear it but you'll always be it's slave. Use change as an opportunity to continue forward, upward, even laterally, but never backward. Find your advantage and welcome a chance to be even closer to your true self.

     Ask yourself,  "How has prior programming skewed my self-image?" When we're stuck in victimhood we spend a lot of time reflecting on all the ways our family, community, or society has failed us in some way-- all the ways that what They said was wrong and hurtful and caused us to be this unhappy. Umm... Ok, so we've obviously learned that that programming we received then is wrong. Why do we keep listening? Why do we keep replaying that scenario? You know that this way of thinking is unhealthy and incorrect so just stop it!

     Every time you hear your Gollum voice spewing abusive rebukes from the past, stop right there and repeat an opposing affirmation. It took many years to learn this song and it's going to take time to learn a new one as well. We have to train our minds to think differently than our previous programming. Ever heard someone described as having lied so much that they've convinced themselves of their own story? That's what we're going for! It just so happens that in fact, we've been living the lie all along and it's time to start living our truth.

     Make decisions. Only with practice does our decision-making get better. Even if you make some mistakes and the results aren't ideal, a definitive decision is better than a forced one or none at all. How often does a rushed passer hit their target? (I know, what's with the sports references?) Hey it's true, though. Obviously, if they don't pass the ball the answer is never. This all sounds very cliche and over preached but many of us still aren't living it, are we? It's a challenge I face too. I'm learning that fear is just our self-preservation kicking in when we're faced with the unknown. We fear the weirdest things. Do you realize that generally we are more afraid to act silly in public than to jump in our cars and drive across town? We stand a much higher chance of actually dying in a traffic accident than from a moment of embarrassment. Yet, expressing our true selves scares us to the point of stagnation, at best. At worst, this fear can manifest itself in depression and anxiety.

     The thing is that the world already has plenty of characters playing at being the modern cultural ideals. How about we start showing the world the scope of possibility? Be the one and only you. Be a trend-setter in originality.