I am a sexual abuse & assault survivor. My social media, like probably everyone else's, has been full of news of violence, harassment, and verbal abuse of a sexual nature that's occurring in our society. At first I read a lot of the articles, watched some videos, because I've done a lot of work to heal from my experiences and I felt prepared. I've typically never been bothered by "triggers" in written media. Lots of people are, though, and it's compassionate when people include a "trigger warning" disclaimer prior to frank, and sometimes graphic, discussions on the subject. I haven't seen as much warning as of late. Maybe by now it's because the primary subjects driving the majority of attention recently are familiar and prevalent enough that a survivor can choose to not read those articles if triggers are a problem for them.
As I said, I'm fortunate that I'm not usually affected by triggers however yesterday I realized that I was becoming anxious and sullen. I was starting to feel that an issue I could handle in small doses was bombarding me and that I couldn't escape it. Don't get me wrong, I believe this problem deserves the utmost priority and attention. I'm truly glad that it's getting talked about and hopeful that it leads to social change. I also understand that bringing awareness to a difficult issue also brings out the worst behavior of perpetrators and internet trolls. I support discussion and bringing dark things into light so I'm not asking for less of any of this. I guess what I would ask, if anything, is some understanding of some who may not be ready and in a good place to deal with it yet. Please, be understanding of their privacy if they don't jump on board to participate in tackling this problem head-on, warrior-style yet.
As an advisor, I encounter a lot of other survivors and I will share my story one on one with anyone. This week I almost felt pressured to write about my experiences and to share on a larger public scale. I thought maybe this was the time to do that. If it helped people, it would be worth it and perhaps it might help me further in the process. What I found, and was actually surprised by, is that I'm not ready. I found that I'm more affected in the last few days by triggers, fear, and social anxiety than I have been in years. At first I thought, being a pretty brave and sassy chick, that this was precisely the reason I should speak out. I generally tend to choose to confront my fears head-on. Then, after considering my feelings and all that I've learned about treating myself more gently, I decided that wasn't the message I was feeling compelled to share after all.
A lot of us who are survivors pride ourselves on overcoming those experiences and moving forward with happy, healthy lives-- the ultimate victory. Some of us go on to be crusaders on behalf of others as a way to fight back when we might not have been able to before. That's a beautiful thing. Some of us focus more inwardly, fighting back by living healthy lives and displaying strong coping skills for our children and loved ones as an example of inner strength. That is also a beautiful thing. These choices and the entire spectrum between are all courageous and profound.
I may not speak up loudly this time about what I experienced personally. There are plenty of those stories being shared already. I may decide to later on down the line. For now, I wanted to share how I'm not ashamed that even though I have healed, it can still be painful. That even though I've moved past my trauma, the constant poke of awareness can still be so subtly affecting that I may not even realize why I find myself avoiding social interaction or craving things that make me feel secure. I'm not going to feel guilty that I don't share every article that affirms a positive standpoint. I'm not going to feel weak that after all this time and healing, I'm still affected sometimes. I'm not going to pressure myself to share anything before I'm ready. It's not that I don't care. It's not that it should stay hidden in the shadows or that I'm ashamed or embarrassed. It's that at this moment THIS is the healthy choice for me. I'm sticking up for Me.
I hope that if any of you find yourselves in a similar emotional place that you make self-care a priority. Don't hesitate to find support and use your healthy coping skills. Be gentle with yourselves and remember that everyone has their own journey. Don't try to compare your recovery to anyone else's. If this pertains instead to someone you know, please be compassionate, patient, and respectful.
With Love,
Robin
Expect this process to be a roller coaster. The emotional tug-o-war you've already been living isn't much different. You laugh one minute, you cry the next. What is going to change is how you deal with those ups and downs and that over time, the highs and lows won't be so extreme.
You know how you get those twinges of realization that your perspective is headed south? Here's where you face the choice again. In Survivor Mode you don't give in to activities that you may think soothe your mood but that actually bring you farther down the melancholy way. I love, love, love sad songs (more than the average person) but it's not doing me any favors when I'm on the edge of a swirl of emotion that's pointing down. You're not gonna fetch the 1/2 gallon of ice cream from the freezer and stuff it and your issues down your gullet... Or basically engage in any of the behaviors that just come back to haunt us later.
You are going to do something that you know improves your mood; like exercise, meditation, or creative expression. It might make you grumpy to consider at first because it's just so comfy curling back up with that ratty old electric blankie. You know it's a serious fire hazard but it feels so darn familiar and warm... Slippery slope, my friend! You may even swear that nothing could make you feel better but truly, just the action of doing takes energy from your negativity pool and automatically changes the odds. You'll figure out what those things are for you personally but you can't lose with the things I mentioned. Exercise= Endorphins. Meditation (with practice)= Peace. Creative Expressions= Accomplishment. As for me, I can't stay in despair when I'm in the woods or by a stream. I go there. I hug trees. When you're that down, what pride do you have left to worry about bruising if someone should see you?
Change is constant. Accept that now. Do learn to equate change with opportunity and a clean slate with added wisdom instead of fear and negativity. You can continue to fear it but you'll always be it's slave. Use change as an opportunity to continue forward, upward, even laterally, but never backward. Find your advantage and welcome a chance to be even closer to your true self.
Ask yourself, "How has prior programming skewed my self-image?" When we're stuck in victimhood we spend a lot of time reflecting on all the ways our family, community, or society has failed us in some way-- all the ways that what They said was wrong and hurtful and caused us to be this unhappy. Umm... Ok, so we've obviously learned that that programming we received then is wrong. Why do we keep listening? Why do we keep replaying that scenario? You know that this way of thinking is unhealthy and incorrect so just stop it!
Every time you hear your Gollum voice spewing abusive rebukes from the past, stop right there and repeat an opposing affirmation. It took many years to learn this song and it's going to take time to learn a new one as well. We have to train our minds to think differently than our previous programming. Ever heard someone described as having lied so much that they've convinced themselves of their own story? That's what we're going for! It just so happens that in fact, we've been living the lie all along and it's time to start living our truth.
Make decisions. Only with practice does our decision-making get better. Even if you make some mistakes and the results aren't ideal, a definitive decision is better than a forced one or none at all. How often does a rushed passer hit their target? (I know, what's with the sports references?) Hey it's true, though. Obviously, if they don't pass the ball the answer is never. This all sounds very cliche and over preached but many of us still aren't living it, are we? It's a challenge I face too. I'm learning that fear is just our self-preservation kicking in when we're faced with the unknown. We fear the weirdest things. Do you realize that generally we are more afraid to act silly in public than to jump in our cars and drive across town? We stand a much higher chance of actually dying in a traffic accident than from a moment of embarrassment. Yet, expressing our true selves scares us to the point of stagnation, at best. At worst, this fear can manifest itself in depression and anxiety.
The thing is that the world already has plenty of characters playing at being the modern cultural ideals. How about we start showing the world the scope of possibility? Be the one and only you. Be a trend-setter in originality.
