I felt compelled to share a message but it wasn't the one I expected.

I am a sexual abuse & assault survivor. My social media, like probably everyone else's, has been full of news of violence, harassment, and verbal abuse of a sexual nature that's occurring in our society. At first I read a lot of the articles, watched some videos, because I've done a lot of work to heal from my experiences and I felt prepared. I've typically never been bothered by "triggers" in written media. Lots of people are, though, and it's compassionate when people include a "trigger warning" disclaimer prior to frank, and sometimes graphic, discussions on the subject. I haven't seen as much warning as of late. Maybe by now it's because the primary subjects driving the majority of attention recently are familiar and prevalent enough that a survivor can choose to not read those articles if triggers are a problem for them.

As I said, I'm fortunate that I'm not usually affected by triggers however yesterday I realized that I was becoming anxious and sullen. I was starting to feel that an issue I could handle in small doses was bombarding me and that I couldn't escape it. Don't get me wrong, I believe this problem deserves the utmost priority and attention. I'm truly glad that it's getting talked about and hopeful that it leads to social change. I also understand that bringing awareness to a difficult issue also brings out the worst behavior of perpetrators and internet trolls. I support discussion and bringing dark things into light so I'm not asking for less of any of this. I guess what I would ask, if anything, is some understanding of some who may not be ready and in a good place to deal with it yet. Please, be understanding of their privacy if they don't jump on board to participate in tackling this problem head-on, warrior-style yet.

As an advisor, I encounter a lot of other survivors and I will share my story one on one with anyone. This week I almost felt pressured to write about my experiences and to share on a larger public scale. I thought maybe this was the time to do that. If it helped people, it would be worth it and perhaps it might help me further in the process. What I found, and was actually surprised by, is that I'm not ready. I found that I'm more affected in the last few days by triggers, fear, and social anxiety than I have been in years. At first I thought, being a pretty brave and sassy chick, that this was precisely the reason I should speak out. I generally tend to choose to confront my fears head-on. Then, after considering my feelings and all that I've learned about treating myself more gently, I decided that wasn't the message I was feeling compelled to share after all.

A lot of us who are survivors pride ourselves on overcoming those experiences and moving forward with happy, healthy lives-- the ultimate victory. Some of us go on to be crusaders on behalf of others as a way to fight back when we might not have been able to before. That's a beautiful thing. Some of us focus more inwardly, fighting back by living healthy lives and displaying strong coping skills for our children and loved ones as an example of inner strength. That is also a beautiful thing. These choices and the entire spectrum between are all courageous and profound.

I may not speak up loudly this time about what I experienced personally. There are plenty of those stories being shared already. I may decide to later on down the line. For now, I wanted to share how I'm not ashamed that even though I have healed, it can still be painful. That even though I've moved past my trauma, the constant poke of awareness can still be so subtly affecting that I may not even realize why I find myself avoiding social interaction or craving things that make me feel secure. I'm not going to feel guilty that I don't share every article that affirms a positive standpoint. I'm not going to feel weak that after all this time and healing, I'm still affected sometimes. I'm not going to pressure myself to share anything before I'm ready. It's not that I don't care. It's not that it should stay hidden in the shadows or that I'm ashamed or embarrassed. It's that at this moment THIS is the healthy choice for me. I'm sticking up for Me.

I hope that if any of you find yourselves in a similar emotional place that you make self-care a priority. Don't hesitate to find support and use your healthy coping skills. Be gentle with yourselves and remember that everyone has their own journey. Don't try to compare your recovery to anyone else's. If this pertains instead to someone you know, please be compassionate, patient, and respectful.

With Love,

Robin

Untethered Balloon or Kite?

    

     Here in the Ozarks, it's that time of year when we keep the storm shelter stocked and fresh batteries in the weather radio. Spring has burst; giving birth with explosive force the energy that the quiet Winter built. Sometimes life begins as gentle as the blooming of a flower or buds opening into leaves on a tree. Sometimes there is beautiful and terrible violence that first destroys the existing to make way for the new. Just as in Nature, we find this in our lives as well.

     Change can be gentle. Growth can happen silently beneath our noses. It can also be dark, traumatic, and filled with grief. Amidst the chaos, the rest of the world keeps turning and everyone is going through their own cycles of growth and change--always another story on the news, always another storm on the horizon. The transition seasons are intense and while I love how alive I feel riding the wave into new adventure, sometimes I want to cry out to let me off this crazy ride! Please, just for a moment so I can get my bearings and catch my breath.

     

     I've really been honoring my need for quiet these last couple of weeks. I can't say I'm even contemplating anything or being all that introspective. That's still doing and pushing ahead in a way; the thought of which exhausts me. I'm restless and my body feels in conflict with my spirit. So I go for a run or hike to keep the body busy without using my mind. At least, I could be getting some exercise. The diversion is a positive one but I'm unsatisfied... tired.

     No, what my soul wants is to just sit and stare at the sky, the birds, the trees, taking in, and observing without any expectations. Right now, watching the grass grow actually sounds appealing. My spirit craves the freedom. My Ego-driven, fleshy brain laments that the world goes on regardlessly presuming that my part in the play continues on and I might be missing my cues.

     Ultimately, I know it'll still be there when I get back. All of it. The financial issues, the business plan, the dinner menu, the news headlines... I'm an escapist. It's a wonderful thing to allow yourself time to just be and I recommend it to everyone. Inside I wonder, though, if there's a saturation point. Is there a full tank for me? I know everyone needs recharge but what if I'm a bottomless bowl of feel good? How long could I stay off the ride before becoming bored or the anticipation gets too much and I'm ready to jump on again?

     Maybe someday I can conduct this experiment but for now, there is too high a risk that I'll float away like an untethered balloon. Until then, I guess I'll take my recesses when I can get them, work smarter, and pick up the next wave of motivation when it's time. I'll try to be a kite instead. A kite can't fly without it's string firmly connected to the ground.