I am a sexual abuse & assault survivor. My social media, like probably everyone else's, has been full of news of violence, harassment, and verbal abuse of a sexual nature that's occurring in our society. At first I read a lot of the articles, watched some videos, because I've done a lot of work to heal from my experiences and I felt prepared. I've typically never been bothered by "triggers" in written media. Lots of people are, though, and it's compassionate when people include a "trigger warning" disclaimer prior to frank, and sometimes graphic, discussions on the subject. I haven't seen as much warning as of late. Maybe by now it's because the primary subjects driving the majority of attention recently are familiar and prevalent enough that a survivor can choose to not read those articles if triggers are a problem for them.
As I said, I'm fortunate that I'm not usually affected by triggers however yesterday I realized that I was becoming anxious and sullen. I was starting to feel that an issue I could handle in small doses was bombarding me and that I couldn't escape it. Don't get me wrong, I believe this problem deserves the utmost priority and attention. I'm truly glad that it's getting talked about and hopeful that it leads to social change. I also understand that bringing awareness to a difficult issue also brings out the worst behavior of perpetrators and internet trolls. I support discussion and bringing dark things into light so I'm not asking for less of any of this. I guess what I would ask, if anything, is some understanding of some who may not be ready and in a good place to deal with it yet. Please, be understanding of their privacy if they don't jump on board to participate in tackling this problem head-on, warrior-style yet.
As an advisor, I encounter a lot of other survivors and I will share my story one on one with anyone. This week I almost felt pressured to write about my experiences and to share on a larger public scale. I thought maybe this was the time to do that. If it helped people, it would be worth it and perhaps it might help me further in the process. What I found, and was actually surprised by, is that I'm not ready. I found that I'm more affected in the last few days by triggers, fear, and social anxiety than I have been in years. At first I thought, being a pretty brave and sassy chick, that this was precisely the reason I should speak out. I generally tend to choose to confront my fears head-on. Then, after considering my feelings and all that I've learned about treating myself more gently, I decided that wasn't the message I was feeling compelled to share after all.
A lot of us who are survivors pride ourselves on overcoming those experiences and moving forward with happy, healthy lives-- the ultimate victory. Some of us go on to be crusaders on behalf of others as a way to fight back when we might not have been able to before. That's a beautiful thing. Some of us focus more inwardly, fighting back by living healthy lives and displaying strong coping skills for our children and loved ones as an example of inner strength. That is also a beautiful thing. These choices and the entire spectrum between are all courageous and profound.
I may not speak up loudly this time about what I experienced personally. There are plenty of those stories being shared already. I may decide to later on down the line. For now, I wanted to share how I'm not ashamed that even though I have healed, it can still be painful. That even though I've moved past my trauma, the constant poke of awareness can still be so subtly affecting that I may not even realize why I find myself avoiding social interaction or craving things that make me feel secure. I'm not going to feel guilty that I don't share every article that affirms a positive standpoint. I'm not going to feel weak that after all this time and healing, I'm still affected sometimes. I'm not going to pressure myself to share anything before I'm ready. It's not that I don't care. It's not that it should stay hidden in the shadows or that I'm ashamed or embarrassed. It's that at this moment THIS is the healthy choice for me. I'm sticking up for Me.
I hope that if any of you find yourselves in a similar emotional place that you make self-care a priority. Don't hesitate to find support and use your healthy coping skills. Be gentle with yourselves and remember that everyone has their own journey. Don't try to compare your recovery to anyone else's. If this pertains instead to someone you know, please be compassionate, patient, and respectful.
With Love,
Robin
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| "Two Arches" |
Now that you've determined that you are a Survivor, you've decided you are more interested in living well than quitting the game altogether through apathy, we're ready to strategize a little.
Be realistic about the task you face but also know that it's been done before. If you have any social interaction at all, start noticing the voices of those around you that speak of positive things. When we're down it's easy to dismiss their happy, hopeful missives with that little twinge of contempt. Consider, especially, those people you know have struggled and suffered yet, despite their pain, continue to talk of gratitude for all they have. Don't be afraid to ask them what made the difference for them. There will always be someone who has overcome bigger obstacles than you. Aligning your energy with others of a like-minded path will not only reaffirm success in your mind but will also bolster your reserve for those rough days. You don't have to be a socially active person to still benefit in this way. I am an introvert. Before I found myself participating in a group in my community, I read about other peoples' stories, watched films, joined online newsletters... I virtually and spiritually connected to the collective consciousness of people who were exhibiting that state of being I wanted for myself. When I was ready, the right souls for me came into my awareness... then I said yes to their alliance.
Choosing to grow entails acknowledging your assets and looking for solutions. You'll have to look at yourself honestly and with love, not criticism, and start deciding what of yourself you'll keep and what you'll shed. Keep it real, though. You can be idealistic and think about what your state of perfection looks like but that's more like the lifelong pursuit that you'll forever work toward. This is about becoming better than just functional and on a path to peaceful and purposeful living. Start with smaller attainable goals. Shed those things that encourage or enable the traits you aren't proud of. Get rid of that which only serves to keep you in self-abusive patterns or reliving painful events.
Think about those little things you really like about yourself. Keep in mind that some of those traits may have seemed less desirable in the context of past relationships because the other person didn't like them. That doesn't mean that it's not a valuable part of who you are. The right people may celebrate the very same trait in you and the best part: you're not pretending to be something else. Ex: I have friends who have vast and incredible imaginations. They've been in relationships where they were rebuked for having their heads in the clouds, impractical, or even simply weird. No one was truly happy, the relationships ended anyway, and those of us that truly love them are continually amazed and inspired by their gift. Quit trying to convince others of your specialness and judging yourself by their response. I promise you that the right ones know you're special inherently. Do tackle things like tardiness, sloppiness, dishonesty to yourself and others, and other unhealthy habits that don't convey a love and respect for yourself and your environment.
When you start removing stuff, you'll end up with voids that so often are just refilled with other bad habits; like a former smoker who trades cigarettes for junk food. Be prepared with a plan. Fill them instead with new and positive ones. Fill them with gratitude and small victories that come with time; even if it's as simple as another minute survived. Any of us who have ever been that low know that there are times when another minute seems impossible. This time will be different. This time, for every moment you break down and cry, you're going to spend another one doing something to lift yourself back up.
